I am a hopeless romantic at times. I've romanticized my life for as long as I can remember. It's not the worst thing, but it gets me in trouble.
As a black woman who grew up in a predominately white demographic, I saw love as it is in the fairy tales, Nicholas Sparks films, or John Green novels with people that were nothing like me. I'd never had it happen to me or for me or seen many examples of it for people like me.
But I hoped and prayed it would happen for me the way it happened to all the damsels, the leading ladies.
Instead of my fairytale ending and journey, I compromised myself and gave away pieces I could never get back to all the wrong men who never deserved a part of my heart. But the truth is, that was never what I had given. Those experiences weren't love. What I gave was my piece of mind and my peace in general. I confused myself about what love actually was and is. The good thing about having self-awareness and craving personal growth is I could change those things, and I did, at least for the most part. Those behaviors and thought processes weren't me and they could be what I made them.
As I grew I vowed to never be in a relationship with a man who didn't love me in the way I deserved to be loved. To never give more than I was given, and not fall apart when I didn't get Happily Ever After. Even in this thought process, there are flaws. It's easier said than done too.
The truth is, none of us are easy to date, deal with, or please all the time. We have our vices, attitudes, and way of doing things that make us unique and often tricky. You won't like everything about somebody, it's impossible. This is life, it isn't about finding the perfect person, because there's no such thing. It isn't about living some happily ever after fairy tale. It's about finding someone you're willing to work for, and who is willing to work for you. So simple yet so hard to achieve and even harder to maintain.
Until men and women start having honest conversations about who they truly are, what demons they battle with, where they lack, and what they truly want... love will continue to be a temporary emotion... Honesty and communication are the keys to unlocking this.
My tip from this page of my life story is: stop being afraid to speak about where you are. To be in a place where you have never felt more in love, compatible, and almost complete and it seems as if the universe is playing a cruel joke on you, or maybe we play ourselves; because it is not happening the way we deeply want it to, and it seems like it's fallen apart. Que the hopeless romantic.
Partly my fault of course, although I hate to admit it, and in case you didn't know I'm not perfect either ;). And if I'm being real, this joke isn't cruel at all. It's a tell that there's still way more growing to do, and at least for now, it's not the time.
I believe in God's plan for me.
Moments of serendipity and life lessons will keep coming up until everything there is to learn is learned or at least understood, in its own way, it will be perfect. Although it's not what I feel in my heart, in my head I'm sure that the timing is off although our paths will keep crossing. In some way, I feel entwined as if magnets weren't meant to attract.
I posed this question over and over again, is it an infatuation? Or is this what love is? Is that the plan for me?
Is this someone I want and need?
Is this hurting or helping me?
Is it worth fighting for?
And of course, at this moment all these answers are yes, and this is love. The fact is only time can tell and only God knows.
I will see if these fantasies are reality. But for the time being, I just have to be me. And focus on becoming the best me I know I can be. Who isn't without flaws and imperfections, but so sure of it all that everything meant for me is already mine as it was meant to be.
As you can probably tell, I'm an overthinker, and I'm sure I'm not alone in this. Adult life especially after the pandemic has propelled me to a futuristic mindset, not necessarily fearful but wanting to be secure, safe, and whole. Instead of being there, I need to be here, at this moment, in the presence of myself and all the magnificent things I still need to do. With all the lessons I still need to learn and even those I can teach others.
It may sound a bit crazy, but as I type I'm making discoveries, about myself and others. These past couple of days as tumultuous as I made them, it's okay. It's cool ;).
Because my reality is what I make it, and compiled of the choices I make, I just gotta make sure they're good ones. When they aren't? Process, soak in and not act, think about how I can be better, learn and try again. Because I can't force the reactions I want to my actions, the laws have already taken motion. All I can do in this moment is be, to keep faith, and keep growing. Because what is meant for me, is mine already. Keep your heads up Queens & Kings, this is only the beginning of your fairytale.
And in true Aterahme fashion, if there is no mud there is no lotus. Blossom through Adversity, this is the path to your self-growth and flourishing love. Not just the fantasy you make it.
Till next time,
The Warrior Queen
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